Why is it still so surprising when a size medium top slides right on and looks right? Or when size 10 pants make it over my rear? I never imagined that 12s would ever be too big on me, but they are getting looser and looser week to week.
I just shake my head in disbelief sometimes. Yes, there were challenges, yes, I still struggle with eating right, but honestly.... the weight came off so easy. I went from a size 18 and XL tops to size 10 and M what seemed like "overnight"....
But this is my "honeymoon period" -- the first 6 months especially, which are behind me, is when my doctor says I will have lost the most weight. He stresses that the first year is essentially my best bet at getting to my goal weight.
The REAL challenge will be keeping it off. What is pretty darn awesome is that I know I will. I am too scared to go back to where I was. I can't afford to buy all those clothes again in bigger sizes. I won't. My 5-lb window is all I'll give myself and if I gain more than 5 lbs, I'll know I need to re-evaluate my habits, my diet, and my choices I make every day.
Every choice I make contributes to the outcome. Eating bad for breakfast one morning doesn't mean the whole day is screwed. It doesn't mean I may as well have a bad lunch and then a bad dinner. If I make a bad choice for a meal, my next choice can be the RIGHT choice. I am a sum of my choices, yes....which means to me that having a less-than-nutritionally-smart meal now and then will not screw up my ultimate goal. If I don't let myself have what constitutes a "treat" in my mind, I will overindulge and regret it and maybe get sick....
Ok. I am very number-centric. The number on the scale. The number on the tag of my jeans. It's measurable. My food is measurable. I should only have 3-4 ounces of meat per serving. I only get 10g of data per month on my cell phone plan. I have to be at work at 6:30 am. Numbers show up in your life and represent something of specific value, specific measure. They say not to weigh in every day. I must. I must because I have to know if I am headed in the right direction. I need to know I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing. If I had an open ended start time at work, I would probably struggle every damn morning to get my ass out of bed. I'd probably say to myself, "Ohhhh, I will just sleep another hour....I can work later today....as long as I get in my 8 hours..." But I need structure. I need some kind of expectations every day such as getting my ass to work by 6:30 every morning. And the fact that I strive for at least 80g of protein daily -- preferably closer to 100g. That is the expectation, that is the goal that will contribute to my success.
Now if I could just get my ass out walking. I agreed to walk once a week for the first two weeks...then twice a week the next two weeks after that. Shouldn't be very hard of a goal, but have I walked yet? My appointment was a week ago so I should've walked by today.
I'm drinking too much coffee. Maybe that is why I am typing this blog post at 11:15 PM. I have to get up in about 6 hours and I'm only a wee-bit tired. I should probably wrap this up and force myself into bed and close my eyes. (yawnnnnnnn)
Someone at work says I inspired her to seek out weight loss surgery. Pretty cool.
Someone who I think is very beautiful and at one time had a body that every woman was envious of recently said to me, "I wish I had your body..." It took a minute for that to register in my brain. It's crazy. Nobody is perfect. Every woman dislikes SOMETHING about her body. Every woman wishes she could change herself in some way. Perfection is overrated. Even though I will get down to my goal weight of about 150-160 lbs., and maybe I'll have surgery to remove loose skin or get my boobs done, I'm still going to be pale as snow and get zits and have stubby fingers. That's how God made me. Besides, I don't have to take high blood pressure meds anymore. My knees don't ache. I can run. I can wear all of my ridiculously high heels. I can shop in normal stores. Yeah my hair fell out a bunch and I have weird wisps all over that are impossible to control. But it's growing back and I'll be back to normal one day.
Having my weight loss surgery was the best decision I could've made for myself. If I hadn't I would have been yo-yo-ing with my weight the rest of my life. This new stomach of mine -- this TOOL -- will help me get to a healthy body weight and keep it off the rest of my life so that I can live life to the fullest extent that I desire or imagine.
I don't feel self conscious anymore feeling so fat and uncomfortable in every piece of clothing I own. It is kind of NICE to look forward to getting dressed every day. To getting the reactions from folks I haven't seen in a while. I am not prideful, but I am proud of my progress. I am more confident. I have a better self image and an improved outlook on my health.
I have been hovering at 185.2 lbs. for the last 3-5 days or so. I swear the scale remembers me and just spits back out whatever the last reading was. So as of this morning, my total lost is 64.8 pounds from my highest weight in April 2014 of 250.0 lbs. Crazy. The most I ever lost on my own was about 25 lbs. I don't remember every buying size 10 jeans. The only garment I remember was my white graduation dress when I was 18 -- it was a size 12. Kind of wish I had kept it! Shit, kind of wish I had kept my fat jeans, but those went to consignment. I don't need a reminder of where I've been. It's all up in here (pointing to my head)...plus there's tons of pictures in cyberspace and my mom's scrapbooks. LOL
I will never forget where I came from.
And I am so very thankful for where I am now and where I am headed.
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