Back in Business?

This says it all:

I think I've broken the plateau but I am not sure!

I have definitely been getting in my vitamins, been pretty good with water...I have been cutting back on multiple coffees per day but I haven't started exercising.

For five days or so I was up and down with 183 (183.2, 183.8, 183.6) and then earlier this week was back to 185 and change, but this morning to my surprise, was a starting number I haven't yet seen (hence the photo)!

Seeing that number makes me want to be better at everything and re-inspires me to stick to it!

As of now I am still wearing some 10s and some 12s. Some 10s are too tight and some 12s look too big - just depends on the designer or type of pants. I am pretty firmly buying mediums in tops, some larger still depending on how I prefer the fit. 

I just realized that I really haven't been sick for a long long time. And if I am too sick to come to work it is because of upset stomach issues because I've overdone it.

I am currently on phentermine again and hoping for a refill. It's amazing how it takes my appetite away and I literally have to remind myself to eat. 

I think that it has really helped me.

Another thing is that I look forward to things more - like a pool party we were invited to earlier this summer...my former, fatter self would have not gone but we went! And I didn't care that people saw me in a bathing suit! Who cares! We are all imperfect in some way and really it's about being with good friends and having fun, not analyzing someone's body! LOL

What a release it has been to just say "fuck it!" and decide to ENJOY myself!  Attitude makes a huge difference!

That's all for now!

The Plateau of Plateaus

I am about two weeks and two days past my 1 year surgery date of 6/16/2014.  In retrospect, losing weight the first 6-8 months was so, so easy.  If I just stuck to a few rules, I'd lose almost every day.

Today was my one-year follow-up appointment with Dr. G and Ashton.  Boy, have things changed.  First, let me report my weight according to them:  191.4.  So I gained about 5 lbs since April or so.  Yeah, that's about right.

Number 2 change is that Ashton is 8 months pregnant!  I didn't even realize in March that she was pregnant.  She's having a boy and his name is Henry.  :)

Change number 3:  Dr. G is moving back to Pennsylvania and his last day at Baptist is August 14.  That makes me sad.  I liked Dr. G.  He was straightforward, honest, modern.  He said his family's situation never worked out for them to move to FL.  Not sure what all that is about, but he looked pretty sad.  Ashton is pretty sad too.  They haven't found a replacement for him yet, so Dr. Jeffrey Lord is the only game in town and at Sacred Heart.

Well, my appointment went better than I expected.  Dr. G offered phentermine again (I was hoping he would) to control my appetite.  I just EAT, EAT, EAT all the time and I'm not getting my water in and I'm not monitoring my protein like I should be.  Basically I'm not paying attention.

You have to have FOUR things to be a success with weight loss:

1. PROTEIN
2. WATER
3. VITAMINS
4. EXERCISE

Now I know at least one person that would argue about #4, but I really need to do all four and start up a routine now.  I am not surprised in the least that I put on 5 pounds.  I am actually surprised it wasn't more!  I have been eating all the wrong things -- fried foods, cookies, cake, movie theater popcorn, cocoa krispies, Wendy's, General Tso's chicken, good GOD, you name it.

I let myself have an inch and took a mile, as they say.

So now I have to "get back to basics" -- start having protein shakes again for breakfast, eating more fruits/veggies/greens, focusing back on the "protein first" philosophy, and concentrating on getting my water in.  Boy, can I tell if I haven't had enough water.  It's the stressful (or boring) days at work when I have 2-3 Starbucks coffees and neglect my water because I'm drowning myself in coffee.  Because it tastes good.  Because it makes me happy.  Water is not that happy.  But you know what doesn't make me happy is the headaches I get from being dehydrated.  The weary/tired/weak feeling I get from not having enough protein.

I also skimp on my vitamins.  When I take them, I take them all, but when I skip them, I skip the entire day.  I probably don't take my vitamins on most days, but that is going to change.  I am going to start dividing up my meds again so that taking them at night (and during the day) will be a cinch.

I'm also going to start getting some walks in -- by myself with some music or whatever it takes..... and hell, maybe I'll even start using those wrist and ankle weights I spent $50 on around Christmastime that I have never opened.

I bet that if I do all these things more often than not, I will easily lose the rest of my weight by January 1, 2016.  I want to lose AT LEAST 20 more pounds and then see how I feel then.  Right now, though, I am going to set my first goal to be 5 lbs -- to get to the low 180s (naked) and then into the 170s.  I know I can do this if I just refocus myself and recommit to what I signed up for.

I'm letting myself get away with too much and it has taken a toll on how I feel about myself.  And that is why even when people that haven't seen me for a while see me and comment on my weight loss, I feel completely guilty because I feel like in some way I haven't earned my success because I'm cheating right now -- even though I worked hard leading up to surgery and in the many months afterwards, I was a "good girl" and now I'm not, I feel as if I haven't earned what I've accomplished so far, but really that's not the case and I need to stop thinking that way.

If anyone is out there and actually reads these things, thank you for your support and I hope I have helped inspire SOMEONE, anyone!  I do apologize for going 3 1/2 months since my last post, but honestly, I was feeling pretty crappy about the behaviors I have adapted in recent months that lead my to this "Plateau of Plateaus" when it is really a slow gain LOL.....  Well, I'm starting my phentermine tomorrow and I am going to be SIP, SIP, SIPPING my water all damn weekend and doing the very best I possibly can to get back on track.  Dare I say I may bring my workout bag to work next week?

Random Thoughts

Why is it still so surprising when a size medium top slides right on and looks right?  Or when size 10 pants make it over my rear?  I never imagined that 12s would ever be too big on me, but they are getting looser and looser week to week.

I just shake my head in disbelief sometimes.  Yes, there were challenges, yes, I still struggle with eating right, but honestly.... the weight came off so easy.  I went from a size 18 and XL tops to size 10 and M what seemed like "overnight"....

But this is my "honeymoon period" -- the first 6 months especially, which are behind me, is when my doctor says I will have lost the most weight.  He stresses that the first year is essentially my best bet at getting to my goal weight.

The REAL challenge will be keeping it off.  What is pretty darn awesome is that I know I will.  I am too scared to go back to where I was.  I can't afford to buy all those clothes again in bigger sizes.  I won't.  My 5-lb window is all I'll give myself and if I gain more than 5 lbs, I'll know I need to re-evaluate my habits, my diet, and my choices I make every day.

Every choice I make contributes to the outcome.  Eating bad for breakfast one morning doesn't mean the whole day is screwed.  It doesn't mean I may as well have a bad lunch and then a bad dinner.  If I make a bad choice for a meal, my next choice can be the RIGHT choice.  I am a sum of my choices, yes....which means to me that having a less-than-nutritionally-smart meal now and then will not screw up my ultimate goal.  If I don't let myself have what constitutes a "treat" in my mind, I will overindulge and regret it and maybe get sick....

Ok.  I am very number-centric.  The number on the scale.  The number on the tag of my jeans.  It's measurable.  My food is measurable.  I should only have 3-4 ounces of meat per serving.  I only get 10g of data per month on my cell phone plan.  I have to be at work at 6:30 am.  Numbers show up in your life and represent something of specific value, specific measure.  They say not to weigh in every day.  I must.  I must because I have to know if I am headed in the right direction.  I need to know I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing.  If I had an open ended start time at work, I would probably struggle every damn morning to get my ass out of bed.  I'd probably say to myself, "Ohhhh, I will just sleep another hour....I can work later today....as long as I get in my 8 hours..."  But I need structure.  I need some kind of expectations every day such as getting my ass to work by 6:30 every morning.  And the fact that I strive for at least 80g of protein daily -- preferably closer to 100g.  That is the expectation, that is the goal that will contribute to my success.

Now if I could just get my ass out walking.  I agreed to walk once a week for the first two weeks...then twice a week the next two weeks after that.  Shouldn't be very hard of a goal, but have I walked yet?  My appointment was a week ago so I should've walked by today.

I'm drinking too much coffee.  Maybe that is why I am typing this blog post at 11:15 PM.  I have to get up in about 6 hours and I'm only a wee-bit tired.  I should probably wrap this up and force myself into bed and close my eyes.  (yawnnnnnnn)

Someone at work says I inspired her to seek out weight loss surgery.  Pretty cool.

Someone who I think is very beautiful and at one time had a body that every woman was envious of recently said to me, "I wish I had your body..."  It took a minute for that to register in my brain.  It's crazy.  Nobody is perfect.  Every woman dislikes SOMETHING about her body.  Every woman wishes she could change herself in some way.  Perfection is overrated.  Even though I will get down to my goal weight of about 150-160 lbs., and maybe I'll have surgery to remove loose skin or get my boobs done, I'm still going to be pale as snow and get zits and have stubby fingers.  That's how God made me.  Besides, I don't have to take high blood pressure meds anymore.  My knees don't ache.  I can run.  I can wear all of my ridiculously high heels.  I can shop in normal stores.  Yeah my hair fell out a bunch and I have weird wisps all over that are impossible to control.  But it's growing back and I'll be back to normal one day.

Having my weight loss surgery was the best decision I could've made for myself.  If I hadn't I would have been yo-yo-ing with my weight the rest of my life.  This new stomach of mine -- this TOOL -- will help me get to a healthy body weight and keep it off the rest of my life so that I can live life to the fullest extent that I desire or imagine.

I don't feel self conscious anymore feeling so fat and uncomfortable in every piece of clothing I own.  It is kind of NICE to look forward to getting dressed every day.  To getting the reactions from folks I haven't seen in a while.  I am not prideful, but I am proud of my progress.  I am more confident.  I have a better self image and an improved outlook on my health.

I have been hovering at 185.2 lbs. for the last 3-5 days or so.  I swear the scale remembers me and just spits back out whatever the last reading was.  So as of this morning, my total lost is 64.8 pounds from my highest weight in April 2014 of 250.0 lbs.  Crazy.  The most I ever lost on my own was about 25 lbs.  I don't remember every buying size 10 jeans.  The only garment I remember was my white graduation dress when I was 18 -- it was a size 12.  Kind of wish I had kept it!  Shit, kind of wish I had kept my fat jeans, but those went to consignment.  I don't need a reminder of where I've been.  It's all up in here (pointing to my head)...plus there's tons of pictures in cyberspace and my mom's scrapbooks.  LOL

I will never forget where I came from.
And I am so very thankful for where I am now and where I am headed.

Phentermine Follow-Up & First Bariatric Panel Results

I am so surprised to tell you this, but I lost almost 10 pounds since my last visit to Dr. G on 2/12!

Needless to say, my doc and my dietician were pretty pleased with my progress.  SO that means that my script got renewed!  Yay!  I really feel a difference in my energy and appetite on this drug.

It's weird, but I actually feel more focused and mentally alert at work than I have before, and my hunger/appetite has definitely been suppressed.

The only downside is that I have had some issues with insomnia.  I have some Super Snooze with Melatonin coming from www.puritan.com along with some chai tea bags to try and some probiotics.

At the support group this past Tuesday night, Dr. G talked about a conference he recently attended where a speaker talked about a study at Stanford.  The study took fecal matter from lean folks and some from not-lean folks and studied the bacteria in each.  Apparently the lean poop had a different composition of bacteria than the "fat" poop and when the lean poop was transplanted into a "fat" rat or some animal I forget, the animal lost weight at a higher rate.  Who knew they did fecal transplants, but apparently they are common for humans with C-Dif.  Google that!

Anyways, the convo went to probiotics and how there was a study group of users and a group of folks that got placebos and those that were on probiotics lost a higher percentage of weight than those that took the placebos.  Soooooo I ordered some on puritan.com last night as well.  Won't hurt!

At today's appointment I also got back the results of my first bariatric panel (blood work).  My vitamin D was 27 and normal range is 30-100.  Soooo now I have to take an additional supplement and be retested 6 months.  Get rid of high blood pressure pill, add in a Vit D supplement.  I hate taking pills on a schedule but that's what I signed up for when I got surgery.

Pics below are of my weight chart from the bariatric clinic -- showing my progress!  I know it's weird, but it is something I wanted to document:  my legs.  I had to dress up at work today and wore a dress I purchased probably a year ago -- size 10.  It just barely fit and honestly I think 10 more pounds and it'd be perfect; however, like I said, I had to dress up, so that was the best I could do.  And I thought my legs looked the skinniest I can ever remember, so I had to take a picture.  That is all!

Phentermine & 63 lbs. Lost

So a couple days after my last post, I emailed my nutritionist asking for help.  My appetite has been out of control!  So they prescribed me phentermine, which is an FDA approved drug mainly used as an appetite suppressant.

I started it on Friday morning, the 13th.  I have to take it 1-2 hours before breakfast, so I take it as soon as I get up.

So far I've been on it for over three weeks.  It definitely works as promised!  One of the side effects is insomnia and on three recent nights, I experienced that.

I am down since I started the drug, but I am not sure how much.  My follow up appointment is next week.  Hopefully my doc will give me some refills, but I have to show a loss for him to approve that.  In addition, I will get the results of my first bariatric blood panel where I will find out whether all my vitamins are at the right levels.

This week I also saw my regular GP, Dr. Nichols.  I had regular labs done this week to find out if my cholesterol is improving.  The good news is that it has improved since my last visit in December; however, he wants me to continue on the Lipitor and see me back in 6 months.

Some additional good news is that I am off high blood pressure meds for good.  Yay!

My last weight was 187, which is 63 lbs lost from my HIGHEST weight of 250 in April 2014.  I have gone from a size 18/XL to a 10/12 and medium tops.  I am sort of in the middle of a 10 and a 12 because I have some size 10 jeans and work pants that fit me just fine but not all size 10s fit me like all size 12s do...

That is all for now!

Shit got real

Ok, I have to write in good times and in bad.

Most weigh-ins were in the 180s, then in the last two weeks I have been in the 190s, and most recently 192 and change.  So guess what -- when I lost weight years ago, it creeped creeped creeped back on -- teeny tiny bit at a time -- until I had no idea what happened.

I'm not letting that happen again.  So I'm trying like hell to "get back to basics" -- walking, getting my protein in, getting my water in.  Friday and Saturday I didn't have any coffee.  Today I made a coffee but drank 2/3 of it.  It just didn't taste as good as I remember.  Which is weird.  But good.

So I am struggling to make more healthier choices than not, to drink more water than anything else, and to get moving more.

If all goes well this week, I would expect to be back in the 180s by next weekend.  For good!

One thing I've learned through this is that even WITH weight loss surgery, you're still going to struggle, you STILL have to make good choices and that six month "supervised" by nutritionist period before surgery to instill better habits is really really important.  During that 6 months sometime, I got into the habit of NOT drinking soda, and of not drinking during meals.  For the most part, I have stuck to that habit 99%.  I occasionally have a sip of soda and occasionally have a glass of wine with a meal, but 9.9 times out of 10, I don't.  It's not normal for me anymore.

The habits I need to instill a bit better -- as they were the first 4-6 weeks out of surgery -- is limiting my sweets to something maybe once a week -- instead of something little every day.

It's simple, people.  Calories in vs. calories out.  That's how to lose weight.  And by the way, if when you're losing weight you don't want your body to eat at your muscle, GET YOUR PROTEIN IN -- 80 to 100 grams per day.  MINIMUM.

So I am watching my calories again -- logging into my fitness pal daily to keep myself accountable and to get back on track to losing.  I promise myself I will be wearing shorts (proudly) this summer.
I think it is about time I do, living in Florida for 10+ years.  (shaking my head)

Tens...?

Yep.  Got these Old Navy sweetheart style size 10s off off ThredUp and tried them on for kicks...and to have something to compare to...

They fit. Totally. Like...totally. 

 

I'm in awe.